There are things you’ll never get from a GPS no matter how sophisticated it may be.

People from away like to make fun these days of the way native Mainer Tewkey Merrill gives directions – “You want to take the right where Tink Billings’ used car lot used to be.

Most people think that’s funny because people from away - who have never set foot in the town before - have no idea who Tink Billings is and so they’d have less than no idea of where Tink’s used car lot used to be. But Tewkey knows and that’s how he remembers that particular turn.

Being a storyteller Tewkey knows a lot of stories about Tink Billings, and a whole section of his ‘Tink file’ is devoted to stories about Tink’s used car lot. One of his favorites is the one about the time Tink traded a 1953 Chevy Power-Glide to the dentist Doc Thomson for a full set of upper and lower false teeth. Tewkey said he loved that beautiful Chevy and hated the thought of parting with it but he needed the teeth more than the car so he made the trade.

It’s not much of a story but Tewkey likes it and keeps it ready for telling when needed. He doesn’t know where the teeth are today but he remembers Doc Thomson sold the car to a neighbor who drove it for years until the engine died and was removed, had a chain run through its pistons and was sunk in the cove to be used for a boat mooring, which you dare not do today, by the way. Tewkey can tell you all about that, too.

The rest of the car sat in the neighbor’s dooryard and was stripped for parts until – 10 or 15 years later – there was hardly a bolt, a pipe, a belt or a clamp left of that car. And all those memories are related to that lot – where Tink Billings once sold used cars.

If you’ve got the time and the interest Tewkey can tell stories about the lot before Tink’s used car lot came along. Before that there was a small candy and ice cream store on the lot run by a German couple named Shoemaker. They had thick German accents so some in town naturally thought they were German spies - of course - but nobody knew for sure. Even if they were spies most figured they couldn’t do too much spying from that shop where they spent most all of their time.

As a kid, in summer, Tink would go to the shop with his brother and sister to buy ice cream cones. Tewkey would sometimes order a vanilla cone just to hear Mrs. Shoemaker say “Vun Wha-nella, coming up.”

Once they got their cones They’d go outside and around back where the Shoemakers had a flock of Rhode Island Red hens in a pen. The kids would stand there eating their ice cream cones and staring through the chicken wire at the chickens while the chickens stared right back as only chickens can. There were no high-tech computer games in those days so kids had to find entertainment where they could, and, under the right circumstances, chickens can be very entertaining, while having virtually no effect on the environment.

Even today Tewkey will often think back at the Shoemaker’s chickens whenever he has ice cream in a cone.

One night there was a suspicious fire in the shop and the building burned to the ground. The chickens managed to survive and before they moved away the Shoemakers sold the chickens and the lot to Harold Hupper who eventually sold it to Tink who hauled a trailer onto the lot for an office and opened the used car business that Tewkey still likes referring to in his directions to people from away.

If you’ve got the time ask him about the building on the opposite corner where there was once a murder that still remains unsolved. Tewkey saves stories about that corner for tourists who have lots of time to ‘kill’ so to speak.

Some are surprised at how uninterested most Mainers are about the political campaigns that are swirling all around them. That’s because they’re too busy cathing up on the latest trends in tourism - our state’s largest industry

According to the results of a comprehensive study conducted recently by the tourism folks (O.K., it wasn’t exhaustive; they spoke to a few people in a rest area parking lot) most tourists come to Maine for three things: lobsters, moose and lighthouses.

Those seemingly common things are called the three “legs” that support our tourist industry’s “milking stool.”
Get it? Milking stool; milking tourists?

Sorry.

Where was I? Oh, yes, tourists. Try removing any one of those legs and the entire tourist industry would come crashing down around our ears. For the time being Maine has enough lighthouses to go around, and there’s no shortage of lobsters and moose.
In fact, the number of moose in Maine has increased so rapidly over the years that the state now lets people enter a lottery to win a chance to shoot one.
Is that any way to treat one of the supports of the tourist industry? Considering all that moose have done for Maine it doesn’t seem fair to shoot them, but the wildlife experts say the moose hunt is held for the good of the herd.
Anyway, in a few weeks, if you find a tourist wandering around Maine more than thirty miles from the coast it’s not likely they’re searching for lobsters or lighthouses. Chances are good he or she will be looking for moose. They may tell you they’re going canoeing or bicycling or hiking or fishing but don’t believe any of it. They’re using these activities as a thinly veiled excuse to go into the Maine wilderness to look for moose.
Why do these otherwise healthy, normal individuals use these pathetic excuses? Because they don’t want to come right out and say: “The reason I burned over $100 in gas and drove all the way from Secaucus, N.J., the reason I’m willing to endure your black flies, your hordes of hungry mosquitoes, and your “seasonally adjusted” prices - is to see a live moose up close and try to get a picture to show my friends back home.
That’s it. That’s the reason - to see a Maine moose and get a good picture to show the folks back home.
It pretty easy to figure out why people like to eat tasty lobster and why they seek out scenic lighthouses but why moose? Why are people attracted to this odd, ungainly mammal?
It’s been said that if a camel is a horse designed by a committee, a moose was designed by a committee doing some serious drinking.
That’s one explanation for why the moose is considered the strangest looking member of the deer family. The other members - white tails, elk, reindeer - all look pretty normal. So what happened to the moose?
The moose looks so odd, so peculiar, that many people don’t even know it’s in the deer family. If they could talk, other deer wouldn’t want to talk about it. But being tough old Mainers, moose endure the jokes and jibes and never complain. Did you ever hear a moose complain? No sir. And you never will.
Like I said, Moose are tough. They have to be. They’ll never ask for a “makeover” - as if it would help any - they just play the hand they were dealt and go on with their solitary lives. They pose for your pictures and move on.
I bring up the whole subject of moose because before long the woods will be teeming with camera-toting tourists who’ll be tramping around near our camp and everywhere else looking for the object of their affection - moose. Their lobster and lighthouse bretheren will be doing the same kinds of crazy things along the coast.

Getting ready for all these people is why Mainers can’t be bothered right now with political campaings.

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